Change is Messy...

Why does it seem like as soon as I try to make a change, everything seems to fall apart? Like the notion that it has to get worse before it gets better is true? I mean, I have read that if I want something, I just need to put my thoughts out there, and I will get it...with some effort on my part, of course. 

Well, here is what I put out there: I want to be more organized, more punctual, more put-together and on top of things than I am now (which is really a false statement because I am currently NONE of these things--especially organized---you should see me in the morning).

I put those thoughts out there...I'm not quite sure I'm getting what I asked for.

For most of my adult life, I have changed in response to some kind of external stimuli...like...bringing two humans into the world, my dad's lost fight against cancer...getting diagnosed with Lupus and having some serious health issues. Pile all of that on top of a marriage in crisis...and well, I changed. Sometimes for the better...sometimes not so much.

But, deciding to change for change's sake is NOT an easy task. It's almost like my entire being is fighting against this change. My life hasn't been this stressful in a long while. I've gained weight...so much so that my clothes don't fit...I've missed marathon times...I've been late to work almost every day...my computer died...I have made stupid photography mistakes...I'm behind in my grading...the kids need to be run EVERYWHERE...students have acted up...projects for classes have been due...I could keep going...I mean, I'm just trying to change for the better, so why the many pitfalls???

Honestly, I have to believe that the universe is trying to test my resolve. I think it wants to see if I REALLY want to make these changes or if I'm just talking a big talk. 

When I spend an hour prepping my food the night before so I can eat healthy while away from home and I forget to take the food with me...

Or, I plan out my smoothie ingredients the night before so I don't have to waste time in the morning getting all of that stuff out only to not find the blade to the blender that next morning because I didn't think to look for that the night before...

When I took copious notes while at a conference because I knew I could use the information for the project that was coming due for this class I am taking only to not be able to find that notebook containing said copious notes when I sit down to write it all up the night before the project is due...

Or, I think, "I am going to be more festive this year and string up lights outside," only to spend triple the time on them because fuses keep blowing...

Just stupid, simple things that keep happening in spite of all my planning. When they happen, I throw my hands in the air, look at the sky (I guess that's where I think God is), and yell, "Really???? WTF???? Why is this happening???"

Usually, after these moments, I throw in the towel. I'm like, "Screw it. It's not going to work anyway so why even bother?" And that's when the universe sits back and says, "Yep, that's what I thought."

But not this time. This time I am stepping back from these experiences and trying to view them with an objective eye. What can I take away from these experiences to make me better? What can I learn from this? What bad-habit thought process am I indulging? I believe the universe is actually trying to HELP me when "disasters" like these strike. 

I don't want to just "get through" my day or my life; I want to live it with gusto and intention. Deciding I need to change is not easy; it really is a very messy process. I am making so many mistakes and generating a TON of unwanted stress, but I have to trust that the universe knows what it is doing, and that I will come out the other side more centered and focused and energized.

And that I will indeed become a better ME!